AFTER ELECTION DEBATE, EMERGENCY MEDICS LABOR TO UNCROSS HILLARY CLINTON’S FINGERS

by: Tom Attea

In a recent debate with her Republican opponent in the race for the Senate, Hillary Clinton was repeatedly challenged about her presidential ambitions and accused of inattention to her duties as a Senator from New York. Ever unruffled, she maintained that she is very much focused on her work as a Senator and, crossing her fingers, insisted that she has not yet made a decision to run for the presidency.

The debate did go on and Senator Clinton, who may still experience some constraints against outright lying, kept her fingers crossed during the entire event. As a result, she was surprised to discover immediately after leaving the podium that she simply could not uncross her digits.

Alarmed, she asked to be driven to the emergency room of New York hospital, where doctors labored to uncross her painfully locked fingers. Finally, success was at hand and she was released.

Holding up her newly freed index and middle fingers, she told the press, which had gathered outside of the emergency room, “See! I’m cured. And I can say, without crossing my fingers, that, at this very moment, I have no presidential ambitions whatsoever!”

On the way home, however, she confided to an informant that she was only speaking about her intentions upon exiting the emergency room and would feel completely free after November 8th to talk about her presidential ambitions without having to cross her fingers even once.

NEW BUSH TACTIC ON “STAY THE COURSE” IN IRAQ: “DON’T SAY IT; JUST STAY IT.”

by: Tom Attea

he press was abuzz with the news that President Bush has dropped the dumb saying in regard to Iraq that America will “stay the course.” Unfortunately, almost all other comments emanating from the oval office indicate that he intends to keep the same dumb strategy.

In other words, with political pressures mounting as the November wakeup call draws nigh, the administration seems to have arrived at the politically expedient policy, “Don’t say it; just stay it.”

Oh, there has been a certain amount of obliging talk by the administration about drawing up benchmarks for such woefully overdue items as the reduction of violence and the turnover of peacekeeping duties to the Iraqis. But Donald Rumsfeld, being the exact speaker that he unavoidably is, preferred the term “park benches” and noted that under such languorous conditions specific dates are impractical.

Apparently, put on the defensive by the talk, indeterminate as it was, Prime Minister al-Maliki felt compelled to announce, "I am a friend of the United States, but I am not in the United States. If I was, I would agree to any timetable whatsoever.”

In order to draw a curtain across any appearance of disagreement with the Maliki government, Bush announced, “Prime Minister Maliki is the leader of a sovereign nation, and as such he doesn’t have to lick anybody’s butt but mine.”

The only timetable with any urgency in it is coming from the beleaguered Iraqi citizens themselves. Two recent polls show that the majority of them think the sooner our troops hit the trail, the sooner the violence will subside.

As a result, changing not only what we say but what we do doesn’t mean we’re going to “cut and run,” the other baseball bat the administration uses to beat Democrats over the head with. We’re merely giving the Iraqis a chance to determine their own destiny.

Of course, al-Qaeda in and out of Iraq, as well as arms supplier and hopeful co-ruler Iran, will murder or assist in the murder of as many Iraqis as they can to help speed up the illusive timetable.

But we finally have to trust the Iraqi people. They have voted for their own self-determination and now they have an even greater reason to fight for it. They’re out from under the foot of Saddam Hussein.

Now, if they can only get their own act together and drive the foreign elements out, they can have a peaceful, prosperous, and democratically determined nation for the first time in modern history, that is, if they have the sense to want one.

NEW STUDY SHOWS THE GOOD LIFE MAY BE THE SHORT LIFE

by: Tom Attea

Love the good things in life? So we do.

Unfortunately, a new study shows that if you're content with voluntary starvation you can live longer. The proof is in the monkeys.

One rhesus monkey was put on a calorie-restricted diet, while the other one was allowed to eat till content. You already know the disgusting result.

The monkey on the starvation diet stayed significantly younger-looking and was much more acrobatic, while the monkey that enjoyed all the goodies appeared much older and less rambunctious.

Lest you take comfort in the fact that the study only included two monkeys, the regrettable truth is that other studies among far more monkeys seem to confirm the findings.

But don't trash the good life just yet. The signals are still mixed.

Dr. John O. Holloszy, a Washington University professor of medicine, says, "Calorie restriction has a powerful, protective effect against diseases associated with aging. We don't know how long each individual will end up living, but they certainly have a longer life expectancy than average."

On a more hopeful note, Dr. Jay Phelan, an evolutionary biologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, tells us, "Calorie restriction is doomed to fail, and will make people miserable in the process of attempting it. We do see benefits, but not an increase in lifespan."

How about that for clear guidance?

Maybe the best news is, there are now a number of drugs being developed by biotech companies that are intended to forestall the ravages of the good life.

So all is not lost. One day the good life may also be the long life.

QUEEN EXILED TO ITALY!

by: Robert William Locke

Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions (NERD). Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personalities back home.

Get details on Italian tourism, events and Italian recipes on :- www.queeninitaly.com

Queen and TomKat

Tom Cruise's wedding seemed to be getting a lot of attention in the NERD press- much more than in the Italian papers.

The town of Bracciano was beseiged by paparazzi and one ex-English resident of the town had written to the Middle England Bible complaining that they would like their town back.... please Tom!

But some residents were cashing in on the event,even renting out their balconies with a view of the castle for a mere $1,000 for the day! Tom of course was in full control - he had put a million dollar gagging order on the catering staff so that no details of the wedding feast at one of the most famous restaurants in Rome would be revealed.

"But who cares what they are going to eat?" protested the Queen.

"Well, I suppose a waiter could get a nice tidy sum for revealing the menu to a journalist and steal Tom's thunder" mused the Press Secretary. "But he didn't succeed in getting the airspace closed over Bracciano - the helicopter traffic is deafening", he laughed.

"The Scientology wedding ceremony is rather interesting- he promises or acknowledges that 'girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,a comb and perhaps a cat!" exclaimed the Queen.

"And she promises or knows that 'young men are free and may forget their promises" chimed in the Press Secretary.

Prince Consort snorted "So, if Tom is unfaithful, she can beat him over the head with the pan, use the comb to get him out of her hair and console herself with the company of the cat!"

Next morning the Press Secretary announced to no one in particular

"She's absolutely furious!"

"Who?"the Queen asked puzzled

"The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot" said the Press Secretary.

"Tomcat is a male cat" said PC with great emphasis.

"But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony - 'perhaps a cat' - sex not specified" said the Queen.

"Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?"

"First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know'Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb'" said the Press Secretary.

"Instead, nobody appeared in the town - everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks" he continued. "And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!"

"You know, I think the Mayor is right" the Queen said thoughtfully " They should have done a walkabout - I would have done - I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general" she finished lamely.

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!"the Press Secretary laughed.

"At least Mrs Beckham's hat was useful - she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !" sneered PC.

QUEEN FINDS AN INTRUDER!

by: Robert Locke

Read the humorous adventures of the exiled Queen as she learns to cope with Italian social mores and a complicated political scenario. Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions (NERD). Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personalities back home.

Get details on Italian tourism, events and Italian recipes on :- www.queeninitaly.com

"Binoculars please" the Queen snapped. The Press Secretary knew that the Queen had never, ever recovered from finding a man in her bedroom about twenty years ago. That incident had left a deep scar on her psyche. She had tried Bach flower remedies and later psychotherapy but she was still haunted by the incident. As a result, she always worried about security.

She took no time at all to focus on the Mini Cooper. It had an Italian registration number.

"2003, Mini Cooper S, Inline 4 and Front Wheel Drive" she said briskly.

"But look further down towards that copse.... I can just make out a man lurking in the trees"

"Can I have a look?" asked the Press Secretary "It's a woman".

"No, it's a man!"insisted the Queen

"It's a cross dresser!" said PC but nobody appreciated this flippant remark at this very tense moment.

"Shall we say it is a mere mortal?" said the Press Secretary.

The Queen shot him a nasty look. "She/he or it is an intruder and I want him/her or it off the property,fast, pronto!"

"It could be a NERD spy from the anti-monarchists- they are a nosey lot" suggested the Press Secretary.

"Enough of Shakespearian cross dressing and spies in from the cold or heat for that matter- I want them out" shouted the Queen.

The Press Secretary was resigned to his fate. "Allright, I will go and see this person/thing/drag queen off the estate"

"We will hide in the basement - take the Smith Wesson with you, just in case".

"Don't do yourself in" sneered PC.

The Press Secretary first went to the Control Room-all rooms on red alert. He quickly changed into his ACU- the latest US model-a combination of green-woodland, grey- urban and sand brown- desert. He pulled on his jungle ripple boots.

He was well trained and hardened. It had been a requisite for the job- 'combat training and experience highly desirable'. He had successfully completed the Skutsnuz GRU training with the Russian Special Forces. He had been a rugby player too in another life but had no time for the Gavin Hensons of this world who went under the sun lamp before matches! Ridiculous! These guys did not even know the meaning of 'Dinosaur' strength workouts, nor speed uphill training. They had probably never even heard of capture-bonding. Hardly necessary after a rugby match,admittedly, but HE was ready for anything now after that training. Because of his somewhat mild- mannered nature, they had no idea that he was a man of steel.

He quickly took the all-purpose clasp-knife and the fling knife for good measure. On second thoughts, he decided to take the Beretta 21 Bobcat - much easier loading.

He skirted the rear courtyard. He crawled through the ferns near the copse. He lay still, his super Health-Watch showed all bodily functions working perfectly. Adrenalin was rushing- he felt strong and calm. He saw a shadow through trees. Then a female figure emerged from the cover. She looked perplexed.

"Walk with your hands above your head" he ordered keeping the Beretta aimed at her heart.

"Don't be ridiculous-where do you think we are- Abu Ghraib prison!" said the intruder.

"It is my duty to warn you that you are trespassing on the Queen's property"

"What Queen - I am a sort of queen- my name is Valerie Lust- the first ever transgender member of Parliament!"

The Press Secretary slowly lowered the revolver. He recognised the angular facial features- the Italian press had been full of Ms Valerie Lust. The scene could have been from an Almodovar film- the tough combat fighter meets a transgender MP in an Italian garden belonging to an exiled Queen! The figures blended in with the beautiful surroundings- vague colours of the uniform hardly distinguishable from the trees while Valerie's pale mauve trouser suit was a perfect match for the lavender bushes at her feet.

The Press Secretary could barely contain his fury. He explained who the tenants were and asked Ms Lust what she was doing on the property.

"Just passing by on my way to Urbino for a meeting, took a wrong turning and parked my Mini Cooper over there and was just strolling,admiring the lavender"

"I will accompany you to the car" he gallantly offered.

"Do you think I could possibly meet the Queen?" He thought for a moment and decided that any member of Parliament of whatever sex would be asset for their cause, even if this MP was elected by the Communists.

"Very well" he said

"Take me to your Queen", she laughed.

He clomped down the gravel paths, kicking the stones and thought that he would never live this down. Worst of all, PC had been right- the intruder was indeed a cross dresser!

WHAT IF EVERYBODY PROMISED NOT TO KILL ANYBODY FOR JUST ONE DAY?

by: Tom Attea

Now, here’s a radical idea. As we see the body count pile up in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa, along with the daily occurrences of murder worldwide, including right here in the gun-toting USA, we ask ourselves, wouldn’t it be wonderful if everybody would promise not to kill anybody for just one day?

Imagine, an entire 24-hours without a single person being killed by another person? One day and one night without having to see a tearful human being lamenting the murder of someone they love.

A complete rotation of the earth without enduring one murderer inanely presenting himself or herself for justice to be done.

Could a day so blissfully murder-free even convince a would-be malefactor or two not to go ahead with a planned murder scheduled for the next day?

In these spiritually barbarous, though technologically advanced, times, it would, of course, be far too unrealistic to hope that everybody would promise not to kill anybody for two days in a row. How could the human race, still woefully uninformed about the merits of locating inviolable sanctity in life itself, restrain its murderous inclinations?

While Marx said “Man is a wolf to man,” even that dour economic theorist did not understand to what extent man is the primary cause of man’s tragedies.

Which brings us to the cheerful conclusion of our proposed “murder takes a holiday.” If we stopped shooting ourselves in the foot, we might even feel like dancing.

LAUGH AND THE WORK WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU

by: Craig Harrison

Many of today's work environments are rife with moody bosses and co-workers, repetitive tasks and unpredictable market pressures. Stress abounds. Managers often tell me they can’t afford the time or cost for my humor workshops; how can they afford not to address workplace stress.

We know clinically that laughter and play have medicinal qualities, offering physical, psychological and physiological benefits as well. In the workplace, humor and fun can increase productivity, encourage creativity, enhance team building, and thus improve esprit de corps.

While we may not be able to control everything that happens to us in our jobs and work environments, we do have control over how we choose to react. I coach others how to create an environment which is safe and friendly, and use humor to help maintain a healthy balance between the pressure and seriousness which comes from high stakes jobs and a competitive marketplace. Remember that humor starts from within. Being able to laugh at your own foibles goes a long way toward creating a healthy work climate in which to flourish.

The following are activities and strategies for you as individuals, workgroups and managers. Be creative and use these ideas to stimulate your own remedies to workplace stress.

- Adorn your work area with cartoons, headlines or funny photos which bring a smile to your face and visiting co-workers'. Whether you're surrounded by your favorite Pez dispensers childhood, or wry cartoons that speak to your tastes, let your work area comfort and humor you while taking some of the edge off the standard office decor.

- Tap a co-worker to be your humor-partner. Bring a daily joke to share. Commiserate about funny workplace events. Keep each other buoyed with good cheer. When the chips are down your humor partner can chip away at your depression, and vice versa.

- Don't think cubicles limit your humor options. I've seen shower curtains, umbrellas and other devices used effectively to set a light or semi-serious tone. For some, creativity flourishes behind their cubicle's shower curtain. People tampering with your work area? Don't get angry…protect it with yellow "Crime Scene" tape!

- Subscribe to a humor website to be e-mailed a free daily or weekly humorous story, joke and anecdote. Sites such as www.netfunny.com/rhf/ or www.oraclehumor.com/ are two examples.

Are You Laughin' At Me? One manager, known for his moodiness, acknowledged it with a "Mood-O-Meter" outside his door. Both he and his employees took turns forecasting his mood: from fire-breathing to variable clouds to periodic eruptions…proceed at your own risk. Don't underestimate the power of self-effacing humor for making yourself more accessible and liked.

Room for Laughter. Some companies designate a room, work area or corner of their office as a romper room, where frolicking and silliness is allowed. Whether yours has a punching bag, games, a dartboard or foosball, it's a room for letting off steam and taking a break from the grind.

Whine Not. Everyone loathes whiners yet we all need to blow off steam periodically. One group of creative trainers and their manager decreed Thursdays to be effective whining days. They self-policed themselves the rest of the week, making sure not to whine. Yet even their Thursday gripes had a departmental sanction and somehow seemed healthier. After all, they belly ached together. A ripple effect actually improved the morale of departments adjacent to theirs!

Meting Out Humor. Many professionals approach meetings with trepidation. A dash of humor can make a difference. For regular meetings earmark one or two minutes each meeting for a humorous interlude. In one workgroup a "humor hand" rotates from meeting to meeting. Employees take turns setting a lighter tone to the meeting, insuring everybody is engaged. An anecdote, verbal or physical activity focuses the group on the task at hand and brings colleagues together in a spirit of fun.

When not to use Humor. Not all humor is good humor. Humor that hurts, ostracizes or is cruel will have a detrimental effect on others and you. Strive for humor that is inclusive, creative and captures our human essence. By now you know that sexist, racist, ageist jokes and crude humor are not only inappropriate, but can lead to sanctions, termination or even lawsuits. Be sensitive when telling jokes involving terminations, reductions in force (RIFs) and personal tragedies. Their hurt can linger long after the fact. . When in doubt…leave it out!

Appropriate humor can make hard tasks easier, collaborations fun and certainly make workdays go faster. Laugh, and the work world laughs with you!